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Gossamer Dreams
Perfection I desire.
Created on 2006-05-15 14:43:07 (#10243270), last updated 2009-07-08
5,641 comments received, 7,613 comments posted
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630 Journal Entries, 8 Tags, 0 Memories, 0 Virtual Gifts, 3 Userpics
Basic Info| Name: | Gossamer_Dreams |
|---|
BioI am the definition of abnormal and unique, that in I break social norms set. I am in med school,thus one can infer that I am an aspiring doctor. I am obsessed with theories of personalities; I assume some of this is due to my own personal battles. I love to discuss medical, psychological,and political issues. I love constracting views,and I do not force my own views on others. I get along with most. Due to the extremely raw and personal nature of topics discussed in this journal I feel it is my best interest to keep this private;however, feel free to ask me to add you. Please do not feel offended if I neglect to do so.
Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It's like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide.
"...the only blame I cast is on myself... for wanting the happiness I couldn't have... and still now, can't believe I deserve..."
"Spinning"
Slowly...suddenly...spinning...spinning..out of control.
I'm dizzy,and my heart is pounding.
I know , my eyes fail me.
Deceive me , images of a former self haunt me.
These walls are my prison , of skin and flesh.
Containing my misery , and spinning, spinning out of control.
Belief of what I am, and failure to realize who I've become.
Denial or distortion , one in the same when you're insane.
My mother's arms aren't my comfort, never were.
Maybe that's what's wrong with me.
I pick at my skin, can't stand my , self.
Drained , all color in my face is gone.
Pale and gaunt .
Grant and spinning..spinning , slowly, suddenly out of ...control.
Mirrors don't reflect me.
The reflection of the insane are contained only in the flesh of the beholder.
I'm untouchable in all the wrong ways, imperfection is a standard just too high .
Slowly...suddenly..spinning...
I wished for control, but was controlled.
Demanded and commanded , I live my life giving into my flesh to the desires of the mind.
Every time I say it'll be the last time,but every time it's just another time.
Like a dancer , I spin and I twirl but when the music fades , no ones clapping.
Everyone looking at me, then it hits me I'm crazy.
Not a dancer, and fleshly desire obsession crazed little girl in a woman's body.
Sanity is over rated , you see.
My sanity was tainted when I was so small
My innocence lost so young , in fact it was almost never there.
Obsessions, desires,lustily longings,and perfection control me , while I spin a little faster.
"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." -Marya Hornbacher
"I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it.
That explains the trouble that
I'm always in. " -Alice in wonderland
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven.
John Milton
"There's this hidden place deep inside myself that I'm trying to reach. A calm, quiet place where I don't exist as a girl with a body that grows too big. A place where I can finally sleep. I'm trying to reach that place, every day I try, and I know there will be a point when I'll be able to slip through. I know the point, I've almost been there, the point when I'm so hungry, I can't feel it, the point of numbness, of suspension, the window of time when it's okay to say yes, to let go, to fly. That's the point I work toward, my own personal hunger point; a point when I feel everything and nothing at all. When all it takes is one more step and I'll be safe. "-Hunger Point, Jillian Medoff
"It is the notion of health, not injury , that makes me ill ." ~Koren Zailckas
Silence adorns the moments spent pondering the what if[s]
Suddenly winds of dismay blows by surrounding the voice of reason
Anxiety speaks words of fear and horrid tragedies
Sleeping to muffle the voices raging inside,barking and screaming of what will be
Drifting to another reality a brief escape from the words spinning inside my mind
Even in the moment of slobber faint worries surface
Dreams of wishful thoughts and fairytale romances are hardly the fate
Anxious worries have left me confirmed to four walls closing in
Rigid rituals are the only relief offered , transiently and never fulfilling
When the lights fade and darkness dances around my bed, taunting promises of anguish mock me
Bewildered and still exhausted from fighting the lies, I give up
Adhere to the screams of what be my destiny
The reflection of the insane is held in the flesh of the beholder
Stripping away the layers of self; pleading to forget and always remember
The will has broken,never to be repaired
Bitter Sweet Sins committed in vanity,impurity done in hopes of a new becoming
Looking at the reflection projected recognizable to myself,and I,
yet blurry to the onlooker
slowly and suddenly spinning out of control
She lacks confidence, she craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others She does not care to be herself.
--Anais Nin
Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It's like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide.
"...the only blame I cast is on myself... for wanting the happiness I couldn't have... and still now, can't believe I deserve..."
"Spinning"
Slowly...suddenly...spinning...spinning..out of control.
I'm dizzy,and my heart is pounding.
I know , my eyes fail me.
Deceive me , images of a former self haunt me.
These walls are my prison , of skin and flesh.
Containing my misery , and spinning, spinning out of control.
Belief of what I am, and failure to realize who I've become.
Denial or distortion , one in the same when you're insane.
My mother's arms aren't my comfort, never were.
Maybe that's what's wrong with me.
I pick at my skin, can't stand my , self.
Drained , all color in my face is gone.
Pale and gaunt .
Grant and spinning..spinning , slowly, suddenly out of ...control.
Mirrors don't reflect me.
The reflection of the insane are contained only in the flesh of the beholder.
I'm untouchable in all the wrong ways, imperfection is a standard just too high .
Slowly...suddenly..spinning...
I wished for control, but was controlled.
Demanded and commanded , I live my life giving into my flesh to the desires of the mind.
Every time I say it'll be the last time,but every time it's just another time.
Like a dancer , I spin and I twirl but when the music fades , no ones clapping.
Everyone looking at me, then it hits me I'm crazy.
Not a dancer, and fleshly desire obsession crazed little girl in a woman's body.
Sanity is over rated , you see.
My sanity was tainted when I was so small
My innocence lost so young , in fact it was almost never there.
Obsessions, desires,lustily longings,and perfection control me , while I spin a little faster.
"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." -Marya Hornbacher
"I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it.
That explains the trouble that
I'm always in. " -Alice in wonderland
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven.
John Milton
"There's this hidden place deep inside myself that I'm trying to reach. A calm, quiet place where I don't exist as a girl with a body that grows too big. A place where I can finally sleep. I'm trying to reach that place, every day I try, and I know there will be a point when I'll be able to slip through. I know the point, I've almost been there, the point when I'm so hungry, I can't feel it, the point of numbness, of suspension, the window of time when it's okay to say yes, to let go, to fly. That's the point I work toward, my own personal hunger point; a point when I feel everything and nothing at all. When all it takes is one more step and I'll be safe. "-Hunger Point, Jillian Medoff
"It is the notion of health, not injury , that makes me ill ." ~Koren Zailckas
Silence adorns the moments spent pondering the what if[s]
Suddenly winds of dismay blows by surrounding the voice of reason
Anxiety speaks words of fear and horrid tragedies
Sleeping to muffle the voices raging inside,barking and screaming of what will be
Drifting to another reality a brief escape from the words spinning inside my mind
Even in the moment of slobber faint worries surface
Dreams of wishful thoughts and fairytale romances are hardly the fate
Anxious worries have left me confirmed to four walls closing in
Rigid rituals are the only relief offered , transiently and never fulfilling
When the lights fade and darkness dances around my bed, taunting promises of anguish mock me
Bewildered and still exhausted from fighting the lies, I give up
Adhere to the screams of what be my destiny
The reflection of the insane is held in the flesh of the beholder
Stripping away the layers of self; pleading to forget and always remember
The will has broken,never to be repaired
Bitter Sweet Sins committed in vanity,impurity done in hopes of a new becoming
Looking at the reflection projected recognizable to myself,and I,
yet blurry to the onlooker
slowly and suddenly spinning out of control
She lacks confidence, she craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others She does not care to be herself.
--Anais Nin
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